HOLY EROTICA
SENSUAL STUDIES AND SACRED STORIES
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An object made by a human being, in this case footage, observed in a scientific investigation or experiment that is not naturally present but occurs as a result of the preparative or investigative procedure.
THESE NEXT TWO HAPPENED NEXT. I DID OTHER EROTIC SHOOTS WHICH DIDN’T COUNT AS SHORT FILMS. IN FACT, THEY WERE EITHER INFORMED BY THE SHORT FILMS OR WERE PRECURSORS TO THEM. EACH IS A STUDY OF EROTICISM AND EMBODIMENT. ALSO OF EXPANSION. ALSO OF DECONSTRUCTING TRAUMA. I AM DECONDITIONING.
THESE ARE ALL EDITED.
HOLY EROTICA FILM STUDIES | ARTIFACTS
The Holy Erotica Film Studies extends beyond The Lilith Trilogy, offering a deeply personal and transformative collection of visual and audio artifacts. Each piece is an intimate exercise in somatic artography, blending embodiment and storytelling to explore the intersection of spirituality, sexuality, and self-discovery.
This exclusive curation is thoughtfully presented for COHE members in The Gallery, a sacred space for connection, reflection, and growth.
NAVIGATE DOWN FOR:
Hypothesis of Film Studies
Homoeroticism as Study and Shame
Film Study Artifact Series: Finding Me
Poetry Study
Breast Massage
Yoni Massage
Courtesan
“Metathanael”
JFOD: Deconstructing the Edit
Erased (Feminine Connection)
Masculine Self-Pleasure
HYPOTHESIS: What were to happen if my camera unapologetically followed my shame?
In my sexless marriage, I avoided content featuring men—it was too painful, filling me with jealousy and deepening my sense of inadequacy.
Feminine erotic content felt safer, an unlikely temptation, and I engaged with it secretly. While it nourished me, it also amplified my shame, as it made me feel more inadequate as a man.
When I began creating Holy Erotica, I instinctively turned to this secret place—women-only content—allowing my camera to follow my shame and fantasy. Though it started exciting and rewarding as a man who was considered safe, I remained invisible. Behind the camera, I was embodied, but detached from my masculinity.
Over time, this invisibility eroded my sense of self, leaving me unable to take up space as a man in relationships or in my art.
To reclaim myself, I returned to my footage, developing the pleasure praxis—a framework for self-analysis and self-articulation. Through this process, I confronted the frustration, sadness, and anger of being erased in my own work. This journey became a portal, ultimately leading me to place myself in front of the camera.
The arc of my self-discovery is reflected in the artifacts below: a curation that begins with beholding the feminine and ends with finding myself as the unarticulated masculine—a series aptly titled Finding Me. It also features studies which are precursors to or inspired by The Lilith Trilogy.
My conclusion is that if we were to examine our own porn-watching habits, and somehow go down that rabbit hole through our own unique expression, what we will ultimately find—through an ego death of emotion—is our Authentic Self.
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In my sexless marriage, I desperately wanted to understand the mysteries of authentic feminine connection because I thought this would help me “fix my spouse”.
But that is not mine to do. I only have a responsibility for myself. Unfortunately, the entitlements and expectations of marriage can distract anyone from this Truth.
In my case, I become co-dependent, expecting that her fixing herself (or me fixing her) would fix me. I expected the external expression of our masculine-feminine connection to fix the internal masculine-feminine disconnection in me.It wasn’t until I fixed my own masculine-feminine connection WITHIN MYSELF that I experienced others opening to me. Unfortunately, I had to divorce to get there, but this isn’t the case for everyone. You CAN find your masculine-feminine connection within yourself even if your married. You just can’t do it WHILE you’re trying to do it for someone else too. THAT IS NOT YOURS TO DO.
When you find masculine-feminine connection within yourself, FULLY, the environment around you changes. THIS is what inspires change around you.
Focus on yourself—not the other person—and your world WILL change.
HOMOEROTICISM | AS STUDY AND SHAME
My first artifact series is an exploration of homoeroticism, which I grew up understanding as a sin, a theological embodied shame.
Growing up fundamentalist, I was taught that homoeroticism was a sin. Through my film studies, I chose to confront this belief—and, in doing so, I confronted my own homoeroticism. This was tied to a deep wound: as a boy, I was molested by a male friend. That trauma created a gap in my ability to connect with other men.
Filming became a way to face this wound. Eventually, I took the confrontation further, experiencing an ego-death that healed my struggles to connect with both men and women.
My experience of homoeroticism feels the opposite of what I was taught. Not shame, but profound life-transformative embodied grace.
In my experience, homoeroticism is not an aberration but an initiation: an egoic death fostering healthier connections between the masculine and feminine, both interrelationally and intrarelationally. While it is not a requirement, it is a CHOICE—a pathway to cultivating deeper and higher connections.
These works express the feminine reconnecting with herself. Feminine homoeroticism without shame mirrors masculine homoeroticism without shame—both are expansive embodiments of UNITY and ONENESS.
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personal HOLY EROTICA FILM STUDIES
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The Hamptons, Long Island
As a study into authenticity, I take advantage of a rare opportunity of finding myself interviewed in which the interviewer relentlessly probes into the why and reason behind my Holy Erotica studies, an act of SELF-WITNESSING my own story as the footage for once—the “meta of Nathanael”, Metathanael—and a chance to emote as the filmmaker behind the edit bay as well as the subject in front of the camera.
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Los Angeles, CA
An original erotic poem is read by a subject as a study of eroticism through language, then filmed and edited as a study of eroticism through visual storytelling. The final piece is shared as an exploration of eroticism across two mediums: poetry and film. But this exploration is interrupted by the discovery of erotic innocence, pushing the medium to its limits without relying on nudity, explicit acts, or the depiction of genitals.
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Los Angeles, CA
My deconstruction of pornography from the male gaze and exploration into the authentic and sacred connection between women confronts me with that tantric practice of breast massage; a practice of embodied self-care, sensuality, and vitality intertwined with a subject’s interview about the power of a mother’s love, and her judgment.
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Puna, HI
A film study exploring the heights and depths of a yoni massage. The goal of a yoni massage is not only to provide physical pleasure but to also create a safe, nurturing environment where a woman can reconnect with her body and sexual energy.
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Los Angeles, CA
Lily Cade looks back at her career as “Porn Valley’s Goldstar Lesbian”, known to have been with over 4000 women and a reputation to shag at convention bathrooms until #MeToo accusations arise marking her departure from the industry and a sober reflection on toxic masculine culture.
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Puna, HI
A film study exploring the heights and depths of a yoni massage. The goal of a yoni massage is not only to provide physical pleasure but to also create a safe, nurturing environment where a woman can reconnect with her body and sexual energy.
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Los Angeles, CA
A conversation over a podcast about intimacy scenes in films being too short and porn scenes being too disembodied instigates A STUDY OF REAL-TIME EROTICISM by deconstructing the edit of my first erotic short Just For One Day from its abbreviated 4-minute experience to its actual feature-length expression, a study explored in innocence, but later revisited when conversations of retracted consent occur, a phenomenon mirroring retroactive shame.
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Puna, HI
A film study exploring the heights and depths of a yoni massage. The goal of a yoni massage is not only to provide physical pleasure but to also create a safe, nurturing environment where a woman can reconnect with her body and sexual energy.
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Puna, HI
A film study exploring the heights and depths of a yoni massage. The goal of a yoni massage is not only to provide physical pleasure but to also create a safe, nurturing environment where a woman can reconnect with her body and sexual energy.
