(Explore the thoughts and beliefs that guided your initial choices and how they aligned with your vision.)

When I edited this video, I was more clear who I was NOT than who I was going to be or wanted to be. In fact, wanting to be what I was editing was even harder. What helped me was story. I was a writer and producer who worked in development for shows. I was very accustomed to choose formulaic characters and then flipped their situations, giving them the most dramatic, most extreme character arcs. It was great for shows or scripts. I remembering applying the same algorithm to myself, mainly because I was desperate for a change. So I edited in this direction, using the formula as my director, daring to see the impossible in myself. I didn’t think this would effect my long-term trajectory. I was simply curious and didn’t think too far beyond that.

(Reflect on the physical sensations—tension, excitement, or flow—that signaled your alignment with this project.)

Trust had very little to do with it. I was just decisive. At this time, I saw my life as nothing more than the footage that I had. All that I filmed was for the story of others. I still didn’t see myself in it, much less feel myself in it. Regarding what I felt in my body, I recall feeling a lot in my chest area and in my head space. It felt like WILL, like a leaning forward with blinders on. Close to anger, but focused. I didn’t want to hear the direction or notes from others like I was accustomed too professionally. In those situations, I was paid to do those notes. Here, with the footage I lived, pursuing everything out of passion, I couldn’t care less about the notes of others. And I recall genuinely needing to feel this in myself again. I needed sovereignty and autonomy.

(Examine the connection between your intuition and your deeper calling.)

The inner-knowing that I was operating out of was a story-based one. In my separation-divorce process, I was coming into terms that something severe had happened to me through the arc of marriage. Something I couldn’t see yet, but was there. My interpretation of my Christian faith left me with zero agency. Throughout my trajectory, no one offered me an alternate narrative, and this bothered me. If there was any reason for me to re-examine my faith or situation, I desperately needed a voice outside of me to speak up. I knew of no other way to live. The life I grew up in already had a pre-determine script, faith, and ethic. Being a Christian was never a choice for me. Accepting Christ into my heart as a teenager was a genuine, decisive act to make my faith mine, yes, but this was still before facing any existential crises or being exposed to more than I knew. My divorce was my existential crises. The only spiritual truth I knew was the spiritual lie that I had experienced. I had to leave “home”. Even though I was angry and felt betrayed, I loved home and God too much to feel confident that I could truly leave. So I needed to make something playful out of it. Like a game. Like a project. So I became the character to throw into a situation. And not just any character. If life delivered me an unfortunate circumstance, then this was NOT going to be the end of my story. Hell, no. So I made it the beginning. And something profound and big was going to happen. It had too. If I was so uneasy about sexuality and had hang-ups in that department, why not “throw him into the ocean and see if he swims”.

(Consider how the events unfolded and the clarity they bring to your earlier work.)

Looking back, EVERYTHING feels like prophesy fulfilled. And I mean everything. Regarding how it changes my creative choices, well, I suppose I didn’t have to choose an arc that was so dramatic. I could have made it easier on myself. But at the time, I didn’t think life would actually pan out this way. I made a comedy out of my life. I have found myself in absurd situations. I am proud of experiences that others would be embarrassed about. With that said, I could have just as easily imagined my life like a sexy spy thriller, perhaps one where I’m not trying to be killed, and faced less absurdity. We really are who we imagine ourselves to be.

(Reflect on how your perspective has evolved and what you see now that you couldn’t before)

What I see now is that the disciplines that I started off with in life, what my parents taught me, were really great disciplines. I didn’t need to unlearn and abandon them. But when you’re having an existential crises with God, who is everything, there is very little left to trust once you take that leap. So I had to systematically figure everything out from scratch while also getting to know the body that I never listened too or know how to value. And also, being afraid and sheltering myself is still being afraid and sheltering myself. I needed something bold to own ALL of my choices again. However, this didn’t need to all happen at once. This can also be done in partitioned segments, patiently, over the duration of the rest of your life. Versus a reformat of the entire hard drive.